The flurry and the novelty of being in Manila has died down. My neediness has died down too. When I’ve had my fill of the usual God-substitutes and addictions, when my bitterness has run its course inside me, that’s when God strips me of the pleasure and the desire for the cheap substitutes I’ve allowed myself to indulge in.

Work is a drug that shouldn’t be idolized that way. It should be treated in its proper place: as a means to an end. I should have put my God first. But work had become a drug that at the end of the course of its “hit” or “high,” like a heroin addict, I had crashed. Needing more, but lacking the motivation to do little else but lie down on the floor, convulsing.

It is so sick and so sad how I had willfully pushed God to the background of my life in the past 3 weeks. True, so many blessings had come. I had said my perfunctory “thank yous,” but at the back of my head, it was: “I’m getting all these because I deserved it.”

It’s been two weeks that I have become much like a robot. Running away from God always has this effect. What was fun before, what was pleasurable before is now something I dread doing. And this is precisely because I had disconnected from my Vine, my God.

As my soul lays weeping, I stay numb and remain pushing myself to work, work and work. But at the end of the day, am I happy? Why do I need several hours of Pac Man and Spooky Castle, then, to “unwind”? Is it precisely because it is not my body or mind that need rest, but my Spirit? I’ve been an idiot, and I know it.

But I am fortunate that my God is a God of grace. I know I will be taken in as soon as my fickle mind decides to head home. Daddy, thank you for constantly staying awake to await my return.

I just spent an afternoon with my fiance on the phone. It was a phone date, today is our anniversary.

It was nice, but I realized that disobedience has its price, only too late. I wonder how long God will delay our separation because I did not stick to the deal of a single email a month?

I remember Pastor Ryan Gidor’s sermon, where he said that with disobedience, God delays the reward a little more. A little over two months of not seeing fiance was already agony, and two days of not hearing his voice was excruciating. Pastor Ryan also said something about how to kill a Sumo wrestler: starve it. This is an analogy that relates to sin, addiction, bondage or dependency. No wonder God said that fiance and I could only have an email exchange a month. This pain of missing him is too great sometimes that I go crazy.

Most of the time, God is more than enough for me. But it’s like I pierced my skin and implanted a piece of metal deep into the muscle. Some people, when a bullet is still in their bodies, the bullet makes them feel a dull ache when the weather is a little colder, or when it rains. That’s the way I feel with separation from my Porky.

No wonder we are admonished to be pure and holy. No unnecessary craziness like this when it rains, or when the nights grow colder. Take it from a weathered, life-weary girl, kids. Don’t get into something you may need to starve or fast off of later.

And yet, that song “If I Never Knew You” by Shanice and John Secada reverberated in my head that night that I was told what God wanted Porky and I to do. Here it is:

[:John Smith:]
If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I’d find in you
The missing part of me

In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes

And I’m so grateful to you
I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

[:Pocahontas:]
If I never knew you
I’d be safe but half as real
Never knowing I could feel
A love so strong and true

I’m so grateful to you
I’d have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

[:John Smith:]
I thought our love would be so beautiful

[:Pocahontas:]
Somehow we made the whole world bright

[:Both:]
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
All they’d leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is singing
We were right

[:Pocahontas:]
If I never knew you
If I never knew this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

[:John Smith:]
There’s no moment I regret
Since the moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I’ve lived at last…

[:Both:]
I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we’d make the whole world bright

[:Pocahontas:]
I thought our love would be so beautiful
We’d turn the darkness into light

[:Both:]
And still my heart is singing
We were right

[:John Smith:]
We were right
And If I never knew you
I’d have lived my whole life through

[:Pocahontas:]
Empty as the sky

[:Both:]
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

*bittersweet smile*

There was a part of me that I finally got to know because of him. I never knew it existed until I knew him. Not too many people would understand our relationship, our union, least of all my parents and the Christian community. But.. It’s like a missing piece of me fell into place when I found him.

Despite my dissatisfaction at times, because shimmering pools of illusion distracted me left and right, when God confronts me with my denial, with realities, I realize that.. There is more to love than feelings. Love is not like choosing a brand of baby milk or vitamins, where you weigh nutrient contents. Love is commitment, choosing to stay with the person through thick and thin, through mistakes, through hurt, through pain, through the process of growing up.

I was taught in Psych class by Sir Galeno that there are three dimensions to a mature relationship: passion/romance, commitment, and friendship/companionship. Without any of the three, it’s just not a truly mature relationship.

I have gone past convincing myself that I love him. I have gotten to the point when I asked myself: “Would I still marry him if the feelings were gone?”

Without hesitation, I answered…

“Yes.”

I am willing to get to know him again, to start from square one. I believe that over the past year, we had developed a bond that was beyond the romance. We had developed a bond that was more than passion, more than a commitment that we had held onto. We became true friends who enjoyed each other’s company. Imagine a 34 year old consenting to being called “Porky”.. I’m just amazed by my charm. :p

But seriously, through waxing poignant at the past year, and our current separation and current fast from each other, one thing remains true: without God, we won’t get through this. The only reason we survived this year at all was our belief that despite everything we did to offend God, He forgave us, and that our prayers, our want, our need, to be together will eventually be granted.. Just learn to obey, Lorie, and learn to crucify your desires on the Cross.

*sigh*

…but it don’t matter.. Coz I got you.. ; )

Love you Porkz. Happy Anniversary.

Back then, when I would talk or write about my parents, I have nothing but curses to say about them. God had allowed my worst decisions to bring me at my lowest, financially, and He presented a solution that would solve so many things in my life: move back home.

Moving back home, Day 1, had been a series of wondrous events that I never knew was possible. Today, my father and I can now relate without the pride that used to bring us at each other’s throats and even to the brink of my death. I hope and pray that this would continue. If I just learn to shut up a lot more, and to abide by God all the more, then I know that the healing will be complete someday.

I just praise God for the works of His hands.

After winning so much for me Lord, I run to You yet again. And I know that You will be my shield when my past comes back to haunt me. Thank You for Your insulating power, Lord Jesus. I stand on Your Word that I am a new creation, that You are sloughing off the old wineskin in favor of the new, to pour out the new wine. Thank You for the people You have placed in my path to show me Your Glory, and to comfort me when I am under attack. I put my trust and full confidence in You, that You have made me clean, despite what they would say in judgment. I am keeping my life open for all to see, because I should not afraid, for I am backed and made new by the Creator of the Universe. I Love You Lord.

 

It’s been a hard year
But I’m climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard
Healing changes are subtle
But every day it’s

 

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

 

And I feel you here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars and more like
Character

 

Less like a prison, more like my room
It’s less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

 

And I feel you here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation
But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

 

Just a little while ago
I couldn’t feel the power or the hope
I couldn’t cope, I couldn’t feel a thing
Just a little while back
I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping
You would come

 

And I need you
And I want you here
And I feel you

 

And I know you’re here
And you’re picking up the pieces
Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation
But you are able

 

And in your hands the pain and hurt
Look less like scars

 

And more like
Character

God’s love is sovereign. That I know.

After this rollercoaster week of having been down and out for two days due to “depression” then trying my darnedest to work, only to be constantly distracted by YouTube and learning about Islam and how.. Let’s not get into that. I have my other blog to rant about the injustice of the world. :p

What I want to talk about was how God was so good tonight.. I was walking home from church, and just marveling at how God was using me. In the intensity of my emotions, I asked Him to show me a star, because the clouds were thick; they were just enveloping the entire sky.. So it’s nothing short of a miracle if a single star shows up, right?

So I made a deal with Daddy God that when I get to the dorm, I’ll be able to see a single star in the sky when I reach the parking lot.

When I got there, there was no star. So I told Him, at around 8:45 P.M., I’m giving You until 9 P.M., Dad…

So I waited. By 8:48 P.M. I was ready to go up and change, as my blouse was sticky from the humid air already and from getting warm from the exertion in walking. But I decided to stay. It was a test of faith, I knew.

I waited until 9:01. Still no star. So I went in. So was God not faithful?

Definitely not! Here’s what I learned:

• In the Bible, God had said that despite some Apostles’ great hope that God will give them what they prayed for, God didn’t give those because He had His reasons. Did that stop them from believing? No. Did that mean that God loved them less? Definitely not! He had His reasons why they did not get their prize. All we have to do is rest in Him. After all, despite the torture, the martyrdom, etc., God’s people had genuine joy and satisfaction and contentment in their lives..
• The appearance of the star is not the miracle of the moment. That God can turn a Borderline girl into a serene woman, is the miracle. Miracles rest more in the mundane: how a former drug addict becomes a pastor, how a former prostitute and porn star gets cured of herpes, asks God to overhaul her life then goes out to reach people for God.. Those are the true miracles!
• The stars are there behind the clouds. No one can change that. But the clouds have to be cleared; it’s a process. It may take long, but the stars are there. Meaning, as people, we have to be cleared of our dross. If and when God has cleansed us enough, the stars, our light, will shine through.

It was through the stars that I had a test drive in trusting God that He will deliver, even if I didn’t get the prize I expected. What I did get was more than a star: a hug from my Daddy; I got three lessons that I shall forever cherish. It felt like God took me through a garden and taught me about how to make a cat’s cradle or something..

Basta, it was sweet.. Daddy God is just amazing.

I had written about being Borderline in a previous post, and I would just like to say, that miraculously, my moods are starkly different now. The anger, the rage, they come sometimes, but I do not abuse Jay (my non-ex, non-fiance, best friend) now.

I guess this has been brought on by the fact that I had decided to stop communicating with my parents for now, so there are no intense triggers. But I do find that I have more patience for people too.

What’s my secret? A daily connection with God.

I do not claim to be obedient to the letter. Heck, I’m still questioning my emotional dependence on and friendship with Jay, whether it’s disobedience or what, but I am working on my relationship with God.

What I see now is that I do not need to take meds anymore, my mood swings are bearable, and it’s been a while since I’ve verbally abused anyone. To what I can attribute that, it’s only God’s hand, no doubt. I doubt I did anything at all to be able to have “evolved” like this, and at this pace.

The only thing I’m certain of right now is: I am loved. By God and by others. And I know I am forgiven, as long as I don’t harden my heart. Walk on, we shall.

I cannot be the balm to the hurt that had been caused. But on the behalf of my brothers and sisters in Christ, I truly apologize for atrocities committed on Moslems by Christians.Though I truly believe that the god as Islam depicts as Allah has a different character from the Judeo-Christian God, I believe the genuine desire of the Moslems to believe in the one true God. Let us help pray for our world as more confusion and violence sets in.

As the anti-drugs campaign says: “Save the user, jail the pusher,” let us separate the Moslems from the religion that cements them in deception. Only in the Word will we be able to accomplish that.

Here is an encouraging and enlightening article on the state of North Korea, in terms of opportunities for missionaries.

Many people wonder why we need to go on missions. Why not just stay in our own countries and reach our own countrymen?

If I were to be blunt about it, we Christian nations are spoiled and overfed. We play church while so many people are in spiritual starvation.

Today I realized that it is not enough for us to pray for ourselves, our loved ones, our churches, our nation. We have to pray for countries around the world.

We are here to proclaim freedom to the nations. We are here to let them know that Jesus is alive and He is for them. We are here to sound the drums, the trumpets and announce that the Savior has come and will be coming again.

Take up your cross, your Bible, and that map. We’re praying for the nations today.

-Nation in my heart today: North Korea